


whelve

by marcelthough



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Best Friends, Broken Harry, Depressed Harry, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Heartbroken Harry, Sexual Content, University Student Louis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-06 09:59:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5412560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marcelthough/pseuds/marcelthough
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(v) to bury something; to hide.</p>
<p>I don't even know how to put this into a summary so just sit back and enjoy the unorganised piece of crap that is my british brain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Dear Louis,_

_Congratulations! It is my pleasure on behalf of the admissions committee to offer you a place at the University of Cambridge. This offer of admission is contingent upon the successful completion of any academic work you are currently undergoing._

_You are joining a very distinguished group of graduate students! Last year, several graduate students in this program won major financial and academic awards. Your choice to attend Cambridge for your graduate degree is perhaps the wisest choice of your professional career.You are to be congratulated on the personal and academic achievements that have brought you thus far in your career._

_We encourage you to be in contact with us between now and September. First, you will need to notify us as soon as possible but no later than the 12th December 2015 regarding whether or not you plan to accept this offer. There is a long list of students waiting to take up any spots that are not filled._

  * _As you are no doubt aware, we have many advanced IT suites tailored to the needs of each individual course, a library containing over 4 million literature, and access to online data banks._
  * _You will be able to learn more about the program by consulting our website at https://www.cam.ac.uk/ and by subscribing to our electronic discussion list. _
  * _Your faculty adviser is Dr. Stephen Mayers. We encourage you to contact Stephen within the next few weeks to get acquainted, to discuss your research interests, and to begin to plan your academic program._



_ You will probably receive a e-mail or two from some of your fellow graduate students who have been members of our program for a while. They'll be happy to give you a feel for life in the psychology program from a student's perspective. The entire program is very proud to be able to attract so many outstanding scholars like yourself. _

_ We look forward to meeting you on the 18th September and to developing with you a sound partnership in teaching and learning for your future.  _

_ Yours truly, _

_ Charleine Ward, _

_ PhD Graduate Adviser _

Louis put the letter down with slightly shaking fingers. He'd been accepted. Accepted. Actually Accepted. All those months, years of revising for his A-Levels had been worth it, and now here he was, holding the letter to his future in his, fairly shaky, hands. He couldn't help but reach behind him to hold onto the foot board of his bed so he didn't fall back, slowly easing himself to sit down on the edge of his mattress. He couldn't comprehend what was happening until he let out a very unmanly squeal and covered his mouth with the back of his hand, still holding the letter. He could only imagine what his parents were going to say, the looks they would give him, the praise he would receive from them, how proud they would appear as they bragged about his accomplishments to their friends. Their son, the Cambridge acceptee. 

Then Louis thought to Harry. To his best friend who wasn't really his best friend, more like the sun that brightened up his miserably rainy life. Words couldn't explain what Louis felt for Harry. It was as though everything was blurry surrounding the younger boy. There was nothing he could do to diminish the feelings that the older man had for his curly haired best friend. Harry would be so proud of him, probably prouder than his parents would be. "I told you, Lou" He'd brag, "I told you you'd get in, what did I tell you?" and Louis would have to begrudgingly admit that Harry had in fact told him that he would get accepted. He'd have to watch that big horribly beautiful grin spread across Harry's mouth, carving his dimples disgustingly deep into his smooth cheeks. The cheeks Louis had dreamed about kissing, the cheeks that he'd jerked off over countless times at the thought of splattering them with his cum. That was his issue with Harry. He just ached for him too much. "Lust" was an understatement to what Louis felt for the younger boy. He wanted to ruin him only to fix him so he could ruin him again, and the disgusting thing was that Harry loved him so much he'd allow himself to be destroyed, over and over again. 

If Louis were to put a pen to paper over the reason he loved Harry, he didn't know if he'd ever be able to stop his hand from writing, then looking back, he'd have to split his reasons into sub-categories. He'd attempted to do it once, to write a list of all the reasons he loved Harry. Of course he'd had to rip it out of his notebook before he met up with the younger boy because Harry was a nosy bastard, despite how angelic he looked on the outside. He'd sat down at his desk one evening when revision got too much and he felt like screaming, when the thought of hearing Harry's voice on the end of the telephone filled his body with dread. He was drowning in stress and he didn't know how to find release, so he'd pushed his work to the side in favour of trying to organise his stupidly unorganised brain. 

** Reasons I Love Harry Edward Styles **

He'd labelled the page. He bit down on the cap of his pen and slouched in his computer chair, his eyes closing as he pictures his best friend in his mind. 16 year old Harry probably wasn't the most attractive person in the universe to others. His hair got greasy too quickly, and his skin was usually littered with red, painful looking acne and his limbs were too long and awkward, and he smiled too much. But then Harry would open his mouth and the exterior of Harry faded away. He would show such respect to his elderly teachers, asking them how their weekend was when he entered a classroom on a Monday morning. He would ask Mrs Robichaux if her husband was okay following his hip replacement surgery, would ask Mr Davies how his wife and newborn daughter were in hospital, would stand up for the Year 7 students who were being teased by the Year 11s on the playground. He would hold the heavier doors open for the pregnant receptionist that snapped at people to stop loitering outside the teachers lounge. Harry Styles was an angel and Louis was the only one who truly saw it. They had laid in bed together at one of their sleepovers, Harry's back against Louis' chest and would exchange comfortable silences until Harry spoke up. "Secret for Secret?" He whispered, something they had started in their first few months of friendship. _"What the fuck is that" Louis teased and Harry's soft lips pouted out. "I tell you a secret and you tell me one too!" He explained._ Louis gently brushed his fingers across the soft curve of Harry's stomach, fisting his shirt gently so he felt the boy take a big breath. Louis nodded against his neck. Harry had blushed and brushed his fingers through the boys soft hair, listening to the boy's soft intake of breath. Louis was unable to hold back his smile. He bit down hard on his lip and closed his eyes. "I think I like boys," he whispered so softly Louis had been afraid he'd missed it. He held his breath for a few seconds before he gave the boy a soft smile. "Your turn," Harry giggled quietly, like a heavy weight had been lifted from his chest. Louis hummed softly against the soft slope of the boy's neck, closing his eyes again. "I think I like boys who like boys," he whispered softly into the boys ear. 

They had been each others' first that night.

Louis was able to add the first thing to his list that night.

**Reasons I Love Harry Edward Styles**

  * The way his whole face lights up when he cums



 

+++

 

"What do you need to speak to me about?" Harry asked the second he'd walked into Louis' bedroom, shutting the door behind him like he'd been trained to do. He smiled softly and pressed his lips together, biting down hard on his lip. Louis looked up at him softly and licked his lips slowly, gesturing Harry towards his desk chair and for once, Harry was slightly worried. Normally, Louis would just tell him whatever the issue was over the phone, but he'd made it extra clear on the phone that he needed to see Harry. "Is it...did you get a letter from Cambridge?" Harry asked, looking up at him with wide and optimistic eyes. Louis gave him a sad smile and nodded slightly, pressing his fingers together. He opened his mouth but before he could say anything, Harry was speaking again. "Oh, Louis..." He said quietly, looking up at his beautiful best friend. "I'm sorry...I know how much you wanted it." The hurt he felt could be heard in his voice, and it wasn't even his rejection. Louis watched his best friend tear up and his heart clenched with affection.

The boy was getting genuinely upset. 

"It's a good thing I didn't get rejected then," Louis whispered softly, trying to catch eye contact with Harry. The smaller boy gasped and looked up at him immediately, wiping at his green eyes.

"You mean-" Louis began to nod, smiling softly. Harry gasped loudly and wrapped his arms around Louis' neck, forcing the boy to stand up so he could sling his arms around the boy. He closed his eyes and pressed his cheek against Louis' neck, one hand fisting the back of his shirt while the other cradled the back of his head, Louis' brown hair slipping through Harry's fingers. "I'm so proud of you," Harry whispered directly into Louis' ear. Louis' skin prickled with goosebumps at the sensation of Harry's warm mouth being so close to his ear. When Harry pulled back, his eyes were as wet as they'd been when he thought Louis had been rejected. "You're so smart, Louis. They'd be stupid not to accept you, but- you realise what this means, right?" He asked. Louis rolled his eyes and sighed begrudgingly.

"You were right," he mumbled under his breath.

"What was that, Louis? I didn't quite catch that..." Harry said, cupping his ear. Louis rolled his eyes again.

"You were  _right,"_  Louis said again, louder this time. Harry continued to smirk softly, sliding his arm around Louis' neck for another cuddle. His eyes closed, unable to stop the proud smile that worked its way onto his face. "I'm going to miss this," Louis admitted, slipping his arms around Harry's waist, pulling him closer. This was his favourite way to hold Harry; their bodies close with Harry's face in his neck. Harry slumped slightly against his body, slowly licking his lips until he pulled back to look at the older boy. 

"You're leaving..." He reminded himself, trying not to let his heartbroken interior affect how bright and proud he looked on the outside. "Do me a favour, try not to catch any STDs while you're there," he tried to tease, punching Louis' bicep lightly. He knew they were exclusive, and that if Louis were to stick his cock in every single boy in the university then Harry had no right at all to be jealous.

Louis was not his boyfriend. They were friends.

Just friends.

_Friends._

"How long do I have with you before I lose you for four years?" Harry joked halfheartedly. He didn't want to lose his best friend for four years. He licked his lips slowly and sat back down again, slouching back with his hands on his stomach. Louis watched him, how stroppy the teenager looked. He couldn't help but smile, looking up at him with a hint of love in his eyes. "It's not like I don't like having you around, Louis, but I do really need to start planning who I'm gonna get to be my new best friend," He tried his joke his way out of being upset, but Louis could see through it all. 

_He always saw through it._

"I mean, I know there's always Zayn, but he's not that much fun, Louis. He smells like he hasn't had a shower in like, forever, and Niall's just too loud, Louis! He doesn't understand my sense of humor! Why does he laugh at everything, Lou, I just don't understand. What! is so! funny?!" He yelled dramatically, trying to divert the attention away from how thick his voice was getting, how bloodshot his eyes were becoming. "I mean, I don't mind Niall but he's not- he's just not.."  _He's not you._ Harry looked down at his scuffed up converse and glanced back up at Louis, tears bobbing up from his waterline. "Do you have to leave?" He asked barely audible. It wasn't like he wasn't so proud of Louis for being accepted, but now he was finally starting to come to the realization that his best friend was leaving to move to  _London_ and he was going to make a new group of university friends who would all drink coffee, and discuss shitty psychology and eat sushi  _that was much too mature for Harry's "innocent little palette"_. Louis would probably meet the girl of his dreams at one of those university dorm parties you always saw in the movies, and it would be one of those cliche moments where their eyes would meet across the room and everything would fade into the background music and Harry would cease to exist; nothing more than a memory Louis pushed to the edge of his brain as they fucked in his dorm. 

_Louis was leaving him_

Louis stood up and carefully pulled Harry into his arms, gently curling his fingers into his soft brown hair, closing his eyes as he let Harry inhale from his neck. They weren't dating and Harry wasn't his boyfriend.  _Then why does this feel so natural?_ Louis internally argued with himself.  He knew leaving would hurt both of them, and Louis was leaving his other friends too, so it wasn't just Harry. Then again, Louis hadn't been fucking his other friends on and off for the past year. He didn't know how to imagine his life without Harry in it on a daily basis. He closed his eyes again and gently pressed his face into Harry's messy hair, smelling his subtle coconut shampoo. Louis rolled his eyes internally. How fucking cliche of him. 

"I leave on the 18th," Louis answered, curling his arm around the back of Harry's shoulder, pulling him closer to his chest. He bit down on his lip and slowly brushed his lips across his cheek, gently pressing a soft peck to the boy's concealed dimple. He bit down on his own lip and pulled back slightly, looking up at him. "I'm not leaving you, Haz...It's just for a few years, you know you're still going to be my best friend," he assured with a soft smile, glancing up to Harry's forehead before he pushed his hair away from his eyes, smiling fondly as it just fell back. "You're not going to be pushed out Harry-"

"-You're leaving me," Harry interrupted, pulling back from their hug to look up at him, and Louis had never seen so much ice in Harry's eyes before. He frowned softly and let his hand fall from Harry's hip, opening his mouth to speak. "I mean, I know i'm being selfish and I'm not, you know, I'm not asking you to stay, but I- Louis we had  _sex_ , surely that's gotta mean something to you?" He asked, his eyes pleading with Louis. He needed to hear what he'd been telling himself for years. That this was something more than a friendship. He and Niall were a friendship, he and louis were...they couldn't be just friends. There was something deeper. Louis looked down at him and bit down on his bottom lip, lightly brushing his finger across Harry's bottom lip. He would break the boy's heart, leaving him in a position which would leave him relished in his own insecurities for months, maybe even years. He just briefly smiled and tipped Harry's chin up slightly, biting down on his lip. "Please don't leave me," Harry whispered, his eyes screaming the same thing. He didn't want Louis to look at him with pity in his eyes, as he was doing right now. Louis captured his bottom lip between his lips and closed his eyes, shaking his head slightly. He didn't know what Harry wanted him to do. Was there something he was supposed to say? In an ideal world, Louis would be able to stay and he and Harry would fuck like pornstars and reproduce millions of healthy children, but now all he could do was look at him and blink through the possibilities they would never have. 

"We're just friends, Harry," Louis said quietly, letting his hands fall from his body.

 

+++

Louis sat in the darkness of his dorm, eyes wet with the heat of his tears. He closed his eyes and pushed his open notebook away from him so the pages opened on the floor, the pen lost under his desk. He pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around his knees, hiding his face in the rough softness of his sleeves. University was breaking him. He was stressed and every essay he wrote was slowly deteriorating. He could feel himself slipping into the darkness that forbid entrance to everyone. He could feel himself cracking in every possible way, the weight of his phD weighing him down. He closed his eyes tightly and slipped his hands up into his hair. He missed his family, barely able to stay on the phone with them for more than 5 minutes without breaking down in tears like a child away on their first school trip. He bit down harder on his lip and wiped at the pathetic tears which edged on his waterline. He thought of Harry, of his perfectly imperfect Harry. The Harry who had once cried when Louis had smacked a spider to a squidge as a reflex. The Harry who had glared at a bunch of Year 13s for laughing when a girl's period had came at an unfortunate time; leaving her white jeans a little let white. The Harry who had cried at The Notebook. The Harry who hadn't given a single fuck when he stepped out of the showers at a camping trip to find the camp sniggering at him because his singing had been rather loud. The Harry who had spent an hour secretly crying into Louis' thighs after everyone had gone to sleep in their tents. The Harry who laughed so hard he had to use his inhaler. The Harry who told the most ridiculous jokes, normally laughing at them the hardest. The Harry that told people off for swearing around pregnant women because he thought the baby would be able to hear it. The Harry who refused to let his sister cry after a messy breakup. The Harry who made babies laugh and birds sing and cause the sun to shine a little bit brighter. 

_The Harry Louis was undeniably and impossibly in love with._


	2. nemesism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (n) frustration, anger, or aggression directed inward, towards oneself and ones way of living
> 
> i don't know where exactly i'm going with this but be prepared for a whole theme park full of emotions
> 
> thank you x

Louis was desperate for escape. There were some things that Louis Tomlinson was able to do in his sleep; sing his sisters a bedtime song, make a cracking bacon omelette, recite Hazel Grace Lancaster's  _intense as fuck_ monologue from The Fault in Our Stars. But university was proving definitely not to be one of them. The excessive workload, the stuck up posh Cambridge students, the teachers with the pervy moustaches that paid shocking resemblance to Rolf Harris, how many surprise tests they could give you in one week, the fact that no matter _how long you revise for_ , the word " _antidisestablishmentarianism_ " is a word Louis will literally  _never_ use, so why were all the teachers trying to butt fuck the spelling into him!, and especially the shitty stench of dried cabbage that was "high in anti-oxidence and  _so_ much better than that garbage you shovel into your body". 

Louis had decided on that day that Cambridge could literally suck his  ~~huge~~   ~~big~~  averagely-sized dick.

He closed his eyes and thought back to the day he told his parents about his acceptance letter. They'd been immensely proud, and Louis had been proud of himself, too. He couldn't help but be proud, because 6 hours revision a day for his A-Levels had paid off, and he was finally here. He'd whispered about Cambridge to Harry since he was old enough to know what it was. He knew he wanted to be the worlds greatest psychologist one day, and here he was, about to make it happen.

_Then why do I feel so sad all the time?_

Louis had been debating on whether or not to leave. To drop out and give up. Surely his parents would understand the pressure it was putting on him? There were complications, of course, as any decisions were. There were the matters of money, and the fact he'd probably never get his phD which meant he could never become one of those psychologists that you read about in high-tech science magazines. His dad would look at him with such  _disappointment_ that Louis will want to curl up and beg his mother to just stick a cocktail stick up his bum and leave him for a homeless person. Or you know, just hide underneath a rock. He thought to Harry, and how his eyelashes fanned around his eyes, and his pouty red lips and how his amazingly awful teeth would poke out slightly, his little bunny smile, with his  _fuckme_ dimples and his  _whydontyousitonmyface_ jawline. Louis paused and looked down at the small suitcases he had in the corner of his room, biting down hard on his lip. 

He had told Harry not to visit him. He didn't want Harry to visit him because if he did, then he knew he'd miss him. He would miss the home he'd made within him and he'd want to leave. He needed to see the boy. But he needed the boy to stay far away. He looked at his bags again and finally closed his eyes.

 

**+++**

 

"Happy birthday!" Harry whispered softly against Louis' ear. 

Louis was 22 now. He'd left Cambridge with a Third and no motivation and no drive to do anything. He didn't know what he needed to do for anyone. There was nothing he could do to make anything make sense. 

Harry had called and wished to celebrate the boy's birthday together, despite the fact their contact over the last 3 years had been dotty. Louis wasn't sure where he stood, was Harry angry or not? He didn't seem angry but some of the things the boy had said in the car ride over made Louis think,  _holy shit he's angry._

Louis tipped his head back and slowly let his eyes muse over 21-year old Harry's face. His skin was less angry than it was 5 years ago, only a few small scars near his hairline from where his acne had been worse. The puffiness of his blowjob lips had seemed to become more and more puffy over the years. Harry swore it wasn't because he sucked a fuck-tonne of boys off during college and Louis swore he didn't want to punch each and every one of them straight in the face. Harry was his. Louis lightly traced a thin finger against the boy's sharp jawline, looking up into his eyes. Harry's eyes seemed slightly hooded as he looked down at his eyes. Louis' throat bobbed. "I'm so glad you're home, Louis..." Harry whispered slowly, gently kissing his lips. Louis' eyes opened and he glanced up at him, licking his lips slowly. "You left me," Harry whispered and slowly moved from where he was leaning beside Louis on his elbows, his thigh casually laid over Louis' waist, half of his body on top of the man's. "You left me and I needed you so much...Zayn wasn't a good friend, Lou! He was a bad influence, Like, how many times do you have to tell someone that weed is illegal before they stop smoking it near you? I told him, Lou, I told him! I said 'now look Z, we both know what you're doing is wrong but I cant have you getting me into trouble for something-' and did he tell you that he called me fat?! He called me fat, Louis! I mean, I know I've but some weight on around the middle region but there's nothing-" Louis just listened to him. His eyes slightly hooded with the warmness that filled his body as the two laid spread out on his double bed in the flat he lived in alone. Harry's passion, the way his eyebrows creased in the middle, the way his heart dribbled through his words. Louis reached up and traced his bottom lip absentmindedly, Harry's words stalling. The younger boy looked down at him.

"I've missed you too, Harry. So much." Those were the only words that needed saying. There was nothing else. Louis bit down hard on his lip and gently carded his fingers through Harry's hair, smiling softly. 

** Reasons I Love Harry Edward Styles **

  * The way his whole face lights up when he cums
  * The sun shines a little bit brighter when he smiles



 

**+++**

Louis bit down on his lip, slowly playing with his hands. This was his first job interview since he left Cambridge and he was nervous. He really wanted this placement. It was as a trainee teaching assistant at a psychology lab in London, and he was nervous.  _And if anyone asked his slightly shaky legs were not from the amazing blowjob Harry had given him before he left, how dare you for even thinking it._ The younger boy had teased Louis, tracing the throbbing veins on the shaft of his cock with the tip of his tongue. The sly little bastard had been so cheeky as to slip a teasingly warm finger between his cheeks to lightly trace his rim and it had been game over. Louis had came so hard he swore he saw stars, his body welling up with tears. He bit down hard on his lip and pet Harry's hair gently, praised him over how good he'd been.

Harry had whispered that he loved him.

Louis had remained completely silent.

**+++**

 

Louis sat on the bus, his head resting against the vibrating glass, his eyes slipping shut.

The interview had gone well. Great even. He was sure he'd get it. 

_So why am I so sad about it?_

He shook his head and closed his eyes, shaking his head to himself. He pressed his fingertips against his forehead, sighing quietly. He licked his lips and got off at his stop, glancing up at the flat Harry shared with Niall. _"Fucking Niall!" Harry had protested "Niall! He's gonna leave shit stains in the toilet, the dirty bastard!".  
_ Louis walked down towards Harry's door and let himself in with the key he had been given. Harry was spread out on the sofa with his laptop open on his crotch, his long fingers typing away quickly at the keys. Some of his short fingernails were painted pink. Others were painted white. How fucking cliche of him. Louis whistled softly and Harry's head turned to attention, a small smile proudly tugging at the corner of his lips as he stood up, having to lean down to give his older best friend a hug. _When did you grow up,_ he thought. Louis closed his eyes into the hug and admired how Harry hugged; with his cheek pressed against Louis' neck and his hands gripping anywhere he could find. This was his Harry, and this was how his Harry loved. Louis closed his eyes in his neck and bit down hard on his lip, holding onto his shirt tightly. He sighed and pulled him closer, slowly swaying their bodies to a tune that played in his head. He was sure, sure of it. This was right, it had to be right. Something like this could never be wrong. But then Harry pulled back and looked up at him with those bright eyes and Louis knew it was. Suddenly Harry's warmth no longer felt so right. 

"Did you get it?" He whispered softly, looking down at him. He smiled and licked his lips, brushing his fingers through his long curls. Louis smiled softly and began to nod, licking his lips slowly. He brushed his fingers against the side of Louis' face and admired him. "I knew you would," He admitted and leaned in to his ear, a small smile on his designer mouth. 

**+++**

**Reasons I Love Harry Edward Styles**

  * The way his whole face lights up when he cums
  * The sun shines a little brighter when he smiles
  * Harry Edward Styles can do things with his fingers that not even Dynamo can do




End file.
